Familiarity Breeds Contempt

I work in a quiet office with 4 other guys. The boss is set back in an office and I rarely hear anything from him, but I can easily hear my other three co-workers over our 5-ft cubicle walls. I find it amazing that all three of these guys (all much younger than me) seem to have “family issues” that can be easily discerned in their one-sided phone conversations.

Dude-1 has most of his “problems” with his two children. One is probably 10 and the other is maybe 13. He is on the phone with one or both of them at least once-a-day, and often more. I frequently hear him “yelling” at these kids (albeit with his “inside voice”) and he is constantly telling them what they should be doing or what they should not be doing and interrogating them on where they are and where they are going. These kids seem to need this level of attention too – or even more – because his oldest son has clearly been in serious trouble already and it is not unusual for the kid to be hanging out in the office with his father because he has been suspended from school. This guy often leaves work early or comes in late because of a kiddy-crisis – generally at least once a week.

Dude-2 is on the phone with his wife at least 2 or 3 times a day and often for a half-hour or more at a time. The gist of these conversations always seems to be the same too. His wife is apparently asking him for advice on some aspect of her life (3-times a day??) and he is either saying that he doesn’t care what she does, or he is saying that he thinks she is nuts for caring and carrying-on about whatever the subject is. These conversations are usually irascible and end with the guy saying that they can discuss the matter further at home, or with just a tellingly abrupt disconnect.

Dude-3 is both the youngest and most recent member of our little group. I was dismayed to hear that even he has “domestic issues” that are clearly present in phone conversations. He too is on the phone with his wife regularly, but at least in his case it is usually not more than about once a day. As his personal cell-phone rings with his wife’s ring-tone I can hear him swearing in exasperation before answering and these conversations too are always clipped and sharp. It is obvious from his tenor and words that he finds these mid-day interruptions extremely annoying. I never really hear any substance here as his primary interest is to shut his wife down and get off the phone as quickly as possible. I also suspect that he realizes that the rest of us can easily hear him and he is thankfully sensitive about spreading his private life all over the office.

All of these habits seem very odd to me. My wife and I do talk to each other on the phone occasionally – but probably only about once a month on average and usually only when there is something that truly can’t wait until we see each other again in the evening. As opposed to these other people, after the point of the call has been made, our conversations are always light and pleasant and I notice (by contrast) that I am often laughing or joking with my wife as we talk – and I wonder if these other guys notice that too and maybe even envy it. My wife and I also text sometimes during a work-day, but again, this happens no more than once or twice a month and always for some serious and time-sensitive reason. We certainly do not consult each other numerous times a day on whatever silly personal minutia it is that these other people seem to find so urgent.

This is sometimes called the Age of Communication with ubiquitous personal cell-phones and electronic social-media and the ability to be in constant contact with everyone you know all the time. What I don’t get is;

Why would anyone think that this is a Good Thing?

In the Old-Days it was frowned upon to have personal phone conversations at work, and there were sometimes even corporate “rules” against it because the office phone was a company resource that cost real money, not to mention the unproductive work-time involved. Now with personal mobile phones and unlimited family-plan calling people can push a button to inform their Significant Other how upset they are that someone just stole the nice parking space that they had their eye on, or ask (as long as they are standing in the aisle of the food-store) whether mother-in-law would like shredded or au gratin potatoes when she visits next weekend. I mean, Jesus Christ people – get a few brain-cells and think for yourself! There seem to be a lot of people, and especially younger ones, who think that this Borg-like level of communication is normal and desirable – but it is neither. Perpetual contact and communication is debilitating and not even “human” and far from drawing people in a relationship closer, it is much more likely to drive them apart. A little space and privacy in a relationship is not just preferable, it is necessary. Remember that it is also true that; Absence Makes the Heart Grow Fonder.

A Declaration of Independence

NOTICE: To all users of smart-phones, texting devices, e-mail, Internet social-media or good ol’-fashioned landlines;

I RESERVE THE RIGHT TO IGNORE YOU – Without apology, without explanation and without shame.

You see, just because you have the ability to contact me 24-hours a day, 365-days a year does not mean that I have the obligation to acknowledge you. Synchronous communication is a two-way agreement. This will not just happen simply at your convenience, it will also occur (if it does at all) at my discretion too. If I am doing something important (or, in fact, almost anything at all) when the phone rings or the text-tone chirps or the e-mail ding-dongs I will not necessarily interrupt myself for you.

If you find this policy annoying you may put your objections down on paper with a pen and then put a goddamn stamp on it.

Married, but Children

I am sitting at my desk hearing one side of a phone conversation in the next cubicle that from both context and tone-of-voice is clearly my male colleague talking to his wife. The thing is; he does this all the time. It seems to me that he must spend close to half his day every day talking to his wife on the phone. Now some people may think that this is romantic, but to me it just seems dumb (and based on some overheard tidbits, I’m not sure that this marriage has all that much respect, let alone romance left in it anyway). Why can’t these two people deal with their personal lives together when they are – you know – actually together? Why does it have to be a phone call and why does it have to be 3 and 4 times each-and-every day for a half-hour or more?

I am not just criticizing this particular colleague. I have seen this same thing happen many times before in my working career too. It is as if these two people cannot function independently and must constantly lean on each other and consult  on what they are doing right now, what the plans for next weekend should be, how the traffic was when they drove in, what they want to have for dinner tonight or (most annoying) they pick up some intimate quarrel that they had left unfinished. Again I say – this isn’t cute – it is pathetic and in my opinion a warning flag of a weak marriage. For one thing it seems to me that a major reason why this particular couple does this is so that they can “hang-up on each other” when the going gets a little rough, which is a form of running away that would be much more difficult for them in a face-to-face encounter.

I sometimes communicate with my wife during the business day, usually by asynchronous text or e-mail (averaging maybe once-a-week), but also occasionally, in the rare time-sensitive or crisis situation, by phone (averaging maybe once-a-month). We do not however call several times on a daily basis just to check-in (or up) with each other. I am sure that my wife, who is a very competent and intelligent human being, can handle what life throws at her without ongoing assistance and advice from me. I too am perfectly capable of making basic decisions for myself without feminine validation and permission.  If something noteworthy does arise we will mention it to each other this evening, or the next day or whenever we happen to see each other again given our schedules.  We are, after all, not children.